Dayenu

In Judaism we have a special song we sing at Passover time— if God had given us just this it would have been have been enough.  If he had given us this but not that it would have been enough.  Sometimes when I vent I turn it around.

I’m a bit discouraged this week and just need to throw up my hands and say Dayenu.

If I had twins, Dayenu.

If I had special needs twins, Dayenu.

If I had to work because we can’t survive on hubby’s income alone, Dayenu.

If I had to work evenings because daytime is chewed up by paperwork and meetings, Dayenu.

If I had to do laundry, clean, cook, pay bills, Dayenu.

If I had to go to IEP meetings, ETR meetings, FBA meetings, Dayenu.

If I had to balance the schedules of the outreach worker from the autism center, the outreach worker from the behavior center, the outreach worker from the board of developmental disabilities, Dayenu.

If I had to balance the schedules of the neurologists, psychiatrist, behavior therapist, speech therapist, developmental pediatrician, Dayenu.  (we’re not currently doing OT or PT outside of school hours— they’re six years old and don’t get home till after 4:00 for pete’s sake—- there are only four days a week we can cram after school therapies!)

If I applied for SSI and got denied, Dayenu.  If I re-applied with a lawyer and am killing lots of trees in prep for a second denial and subsequent appeal and court date, Dayenu.

If I HATE the behavior center and am required by three different psychiatrists to take my kids there so I fill out an hour’s worth of paperwork for a new developmental pediatrician so that we can quit the behavior center therapist, outreach worker, and psychiatrist and the new developmental ped can handle our med management, Dayenu.

If I had a daughter who poops herself five or six times most days after school on purpose and NEVER uses a toilet at age six, Dayenu.

If said daughter has a GI doc who claims she’s constipated and is giving her miralax and metamucil protocol each day, Dayenu.

If I have to play the medication roulette game between clonidine, tenex, abilify, focalin, vyvanse for two different children with three different psychiatrists and a developmental pediatrician, Dayenu.

If I have to survive double autism meltdowns in public complete with biting, screaming, flopping and refusing to move, stares from strangers, and unsolicited parenting advice, Dayenu.

If I have to have the school district tell me that they don’t need ABA (and insurance won’t pay for it either), Dayenu.

If I have to have the school district tell me that they’re too high functioning to be sent by the district to an autism school and they can handle them at a regular public school, Dayenu.

If I’d rather send them to a Jewish day school but know that I can’t possibly give up the services we’re getting at public school and have to figure out how to get Judaism into them outside of school hours, Dayenu.

If I, in an effort to save money, want to bring a VERY high rent payment down to a reasonable mortgage payment and am thinking about purchasing our first home at age 39, Dayenu.

If to purchase said home, we need down payment assistance and to qualify to receive the downpayment assistance I have to take a course which requires me to cancel the twins’ after school appointments for an entire week and find an after school babysitter, Dayenu.

If I have to prepare for Purim, Dayenu.

If I have to prepare for Passover, Dayenu.

But put all of them together and you have one very tired work at home mommy.

Vent over.

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Mommy can’t get sick

Last week I had my fourth episode of a chronic health problem I’ve had since 2001.  The episodes can last from one to four weeks and scare the bejeepers out of me because losing complete control of how my body feels is terrifying at ANY time… but the last two episodes have happened while I’ve been a mother.  Nightmares about being admitted to the hospital for medication management and further testing have been the bright spot of this past week.  Thankfully, I was scheduled to have a doctor appointment yesterday before Shabbos for another health issue (super high blood pressure—- I’ve already BEEN on blood pressure meds for years now) so I simply came in showing all the classic symptoms (of the chronic health problem that I’m not sure I wish to share here) and begged for help.  With a few tweaks of my medications (I’m now on four meds), I felt normal last night for the first time in WEEKS.  I am SUPER lucky that the med change worked and that I’m now on the upswing.  The silver lining is that I lost some weight (from a lot of vomiting and no appetite), and that my pharmacist, when I explained what I had been going through, gave me a major discount on meds (no, of course we don’t have health insurance) and a big hug.

Stress doesn’t help my health at all, and to be perfectly honest, these kids are the light of my life— and a cause of a SUPER amount of stress.  I spend more time filling out paperwork/calling/meeting with people from the board of developmental disabilities, our local autism center, our local behavioral center, IEP meetings….. than I do with my income producing WORK.  I gave SERIOUS thought this week to giving up on one or the other.  If I give up on all the stuff I’m doing for the kids— I cancel the outreach from the board of dd…. I cancel the outreach, psych, and therapy from the behavior center…. I cancel the outreach from the autism center…….. and I just simply let public school do with them what they do and not run to therapies every day after school…… I’ll have more time to work.  OR…. if I stop working completely and just focus on being a stay at home mom….. well that’s out of the question because my husband makes about a third of what we need to make just to be middle class— he loves his job, but is horrifically underpaid.  There are no easy answers but I’ll just keep muddling along doing what I can and always knowing it’s not good enough.

Meanwhile we had a med change for Wilma this week.  AGAIN.  She is now on Vyvanse instead of Focalin.  And the abilify has been upped again.  By golly, we might be starting to see changes!  Then again she had a half hour meltdown today after cheating at Chutes and Ladders (who CHEATS at Chutes and Ladders?  I calmly said she needed to move to where she was supposed to or I’d put the game away—- so I started to put the game away and well….. my husband didn’t get his Shabbos nap).  But this was the ONLY meltdown in the past 3 days.  SERIOUSLY!  PRAYING that med changes for Wilma and myself are helping us turn a corner.

Medication update

Fred is on 15 mg of abilify.  Without Wilma around, he’s doing ok.  If he were an only child we’d be satisfied.  He still shows lots of signs of autism and plenty of anxiety, but his anxiety is manageable— he freaks out, bites, screams, and it’s over.  His episodes are frequent, but short lived.  Unfortunately he comes home with the daily bite reports and his teacher and IS/ISA still aren’t yet interested in pursuing an FBA and I don’t yet have the balls to demand it.

When he’s with Wilma, all hell breaks loose.
Wilma is now on 1 mg of abilify and 5 mg of focalin.  Today is day 2 of focalin and I don’t know if the focalin is making her SO MUCH WORSE or if she’s just had two realllllllly bad days.  She kicked my husband so hard tonight that we considered the ER.  With ice, he’s limping and no longer yelping in pain, so nothing’s broken.  Focalin is supposed to make her focus, pay attention, help with impulse control…… yeah.  right.