Musings from an Orthodox Jewish mom of twins with Autism Spectrum Disorders, ADHD, and one twin has encopresis, megacolon, and a cecostomy. I'm tired. :)

Archive for the ‘The Funny Things They Say’ Category

Failing to Plan Is Planning to Fail

Me: “How did you manage to do so poorly in math?”

Wilma: “You can fail ANYTHING if you try hard enough.”

Dunder Mifflin

work with the board of dd to get set up with the office of Ohioans for disabilities to get set up with the agency to do pre-employment classes for my teens with autism—- scheduling, paperwork, behaviors surrounding when/where/why do we need these appointments, etc etc etc……… for Wilma to announce that she does want to work…….

at Dunder Mifflin.


Swing, Batter Batter Batter

The teens asked about bases (sexual)—- so a discussion happened about what first base means, second base, third base….. and a quick reminder that as Orthodox Jews, NONE of that will take place until AFTER they are married. Wilma says “I’m never getting married”. I said “ok then you won’t be rounding the bases…..”

So she says “maybe I’ll join the women’s softball team then……”

And FRED says “I’m gonna strike OUT”.

The comedic timing on these teens is unreal. I don’t know why I’m so worried about their futures— they could make millions in comedy writing.

Wilma Isn’t Pregnant

Wilma had a doctor appointment and as a requirement for one of her medications they needed to do a pregnancy test. So my autistic 12 year old was YELLING “I will NOT pee in a cup! I AM NOT PREGNANT!” at the pediatrician’s office. She got permission not to pee in a cup (I played the autism card and the there is just NO WAY card) and she calmed down. But then she wrote all over the butcher paper on the exam table…… “I am not pregnant. I will not pee in a cup. Peeing in a cup is gross.” Life is always interesting with these two.

Hilarious Snippets

Me: “you just showered so what am I smelling? Must just be puberty.” Wilma: “ooh…. great name for a cologne.”




#YouMightBeAnAutismParentIf your 11 year old wanders up to you to inform you of today’s letter of the day.




Wilma: “mom, where do babies come from?” Me: ” mommies’ bodies” Wilma: “no I mean….” Me: “gulp”……

Wilma: “Like…. can you order one on amazon?”

Yes dear, and with prime you get free shipping……




In a fit of rage, Wilma tore apart one of her shoes. So my husband said “well I guess you won’t be wearing those anymore”.

Wilma in her nice calm perky manner replied: “well I can still wear ONE of them, just not the other one”.




It’s that time of the evening when there just might be a naked 11 year old loudly singing “Guantanamera”in the bathtub. That’s after he complains that we don’t have enough whiskey to get us through the evening. My life truly is a sitcom.




I was explaining to my husband (in front of Wilma– my mistake) that I’m buying Fred a new toy because I broke his old one and that it’s 20 bucks or so. So Wilma says “if you’re buying Fred something worth 20 bucks why can’t you get ME one of those mini backpacks from Justice I’ve been wanting?” I said…. “I’m not buying him something— I’m replacing something I broke- it was my fault. Have I broken anything of yours?” Oh this kid. She said……

“yes– my heart!”




CP got in trouble for screaming and crying over a mathematical argument at therapeutic horseback riding. (how many inches are in 15.3 hands– horse measurement stuff).  #YouMightBeAnAutismParentIf




Dinnertime at our household…..

Wilma:  Fred is using his chair as a musical instrument!

My husband: So what? You use his butt as a musical instrument!



Catching You Up On The Hilarity Around Here

#youmightbeanautismparentif your ten year old, at 6:45 am, is working on memorizing all the counties of Texas.


Me rushing Fred through the bath time process…. “ok strip and get in the tub”. Fred: “but I don’t want to become a stripper….”


Me to Wilma: “I’m not going to want you in my bed watching the news tonight at 10:30— sleep, please.” My smartass ten year old: “I don’t think the news is on tonight– it’s going to be football.”


#youmightbeanautismparentif your ten year old can calculate sin cos and tan but still manage to put his underwear on backwards.


one thing we’re working on in ABA is dinnertime conversation—- instead just yammering about whatever is on our own mind, we are supposed to ask each other questions. How was your day? (for example) and ask questions about what someone just said, etc.

So Wilma just came home and with no prompting asked “how was your day?” I started to answer and she said “I asked you now so I won’t need to ask you during dinner…..” HAH!


#youmightbeanautismparentif you’re woken up on Shabbos to a ten year old perfectly singing an Irish drinking song in your ear.


In discussing with Miss thang that her cecostomy flushes haven’t been effective for the past couple of days, she said and I quote…. “my colon is on a coffee break”.


#youmightbeanautismparentif your kid goes to mincha with Abba, davens nicely, then waits till the end to announce that the prayers are about loving HaShem….. breaking into Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” in front of all the kollel guys.


Me: “when are you going to start bringing home homework this year?” Fred: “I don’t give a monkey’s gluteus maximus”.


“Mommy, can I play with the computer?” “No, sorry.” “Why not?” “You were hitting and screaming”. “But mommy, aren’t you used to it by now?”

#youmightbeanautismparentif funnies

Time to put these in one place—- hilarious kids of mine.


#‎youmightbeanautismparentif‬ your 9 year old uses pick up lines on the cashier at the pharmacy. And she’s not even good looking. “Did you eat hot peppers? Because YOU SMOKIN’!”

#‎Youmightbeanautismparentif‬ your 7 year old SON is singing “my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”  (this happened two years ago but needs to be categorized here)

#‎youmightbeanautismparentif‬ notations about what the Dow Jones industrial average is doing are written on your porch in sidewalk chalk by your 6 year old and you’re not phased. Oh…. and the house number of his girlfriend who lives a few streets away.  (this one from 3 years ago— entertained yet?)

#‎youmightbeanautismparentif‬ you tell your 6 year old to try to poop on the toilet (because YOU’RE trained to watch for the dance) and he responds with: “three eights equals point 375.” converting fractions to decimals? NO problem. Taking care of toileting needs? we’re getting there.

#‎YouMightBeAnAutismParentIf‬ at your first time at playground world, your kid is the one memorizing the prices of the play structures and avoiding the actual playing as much as possible. no slides, no rock climbing wall….. I DID get him into a couple swings and hammocks– but one look at the trampoline and he started freaking out.

#‎YouMightBeAnAutismParentIf‬ your kid can tell you that 6! = 720 (who taught him factorials???) but HAS to fall asleep with a particular stuffed animal in his mouth after at least an hour of jumping on the bed.

#‎YouMightBeAnAutismParentIf‬ your daughter prefers an MRI to a trip to Chuck E Cheese.

#‎YouMightBeAnAutismParentIf‬ you catch one twin picking the other’s nose.

Recent facebook status updates in which my kids said or did something funny

For your entertainment….

how can a child who has 4 different types of marker sets (some are smelly), at least 3 crayon sets, the largest colored pencil collection of ANY 3rd grader I’ve met….. a nice assortment of smelly pencils…. and he knows he’s getting smelly PENS for his birthday in a few weeks…….. how can this child SCREAM AND CRY that I’m saying NO to buying “duo tip” markers? And hello, you purloined my old scrapbooking markers– those ARE duo tip…… sorry you ain’t getting the exact ones you want you ungrateful art supply hoarder.

This morning’s free entertainment for you brought to you courtesy of my certifiably insane children: They were having a getting dressed race (because I overslept of course) and Fred was winning so he said “I’m red hot— 290,000 KELVIN!” Wilma, having only learned of F and C, but not Kelvin (what 8 year old knows Kelvin?) asks….. “who’s Kelvin”?

Just got a facebook message from Fred’s amazing intervention specialist who reported another incredibly funny one liner from everyone’s favorite 8 year old little professor: *****This was a funny one liner from Fred during Hanukkah…someone asked him what he got as a gift one night and he said “well… I had a tantrum so I got a big dose of Jewish guilt!”*****

usually I make the challah dough 11:00 thursday evening but since my schedule is free today of all the usual Thursday stuff I’m doing it now and having Wilma do all the stirring. I told her she’s stirring the ingredients even better than I do and without missing a beat she informed me “that’s because I’m a trained professional”.

We were eating dinner and I told Fred to eat his grilled zucchini. Fred said, “No, I don’t want to. It squeaks when I eat it.”

Wilma said she thought 5 times 0 is 5. I reminded her it’s zero and anything times zero is zero. Then I told her it was confusing for me back at her age too and she said……”you had multiplication way back then, Mommy?” Yes, dear, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth……

Random Fun Stuff

Just some random funny things my kids have said and done lately….


Not something Wilma said, but something she did…… explain to me why my 8 year old needs to wander into my bedroom long before it’s time for me to wake up to complain that she’s tired?

“Today is no homework day. It’s also crumple up your paper and throw it in the trash day.”  – Wilma

Wilma said she’s going to change the Art Room at school to the Fart Room. Picturing her with a big F made out of construction paper to tape to whatever sign they have up there like in the Captain Underpants books, I told her she can’t do that. She said “Why? There *ARE* a lot of people who fart in there!”

When the therapist told me that Fred is working on idioms Fred said “Like it ain’t over till the fat lady sings…. hey mommy, will you please SING for us?”

A certain very awesome substitute teacher just posted about my kiddo on facebook: “Just finished two day sub assignment at Noble Elementary school. A certain student and I got to talking about the periodic table, and I told him I made word games with the elements. Such as: tungsten oxygen oxygen fluoride is what a dog says. He went on to call this “tungsten dioxygen fluoride” and drew a picture of the “dog-iotic table”. He then went on to explain ununoctonium to me. U-La-La!”

My husband told Wilma that friends went to Fun and Stuff. She’s never been. Hubby said it’s expensive, and we were discussing whether to go this summer. Wilma says “let’s have a lemonade stand to raise money for a Fun and Stuff trip!” (big dramatic pause). “or we could raise the money for cancer research….”.

we went to an all you can eat buffet for dinner. (our community does one before Pesach each year). Fred was whining that he was tired and ready to leave. But I was still eating. Instead of screaming and having a meltdown, with a twinkle in his eye he looked at me and said……”that’s ALL YOU CAN EAT”.

Fred: “energy is mass times the speed of light squared.” Me: “how did you know that?” Fred: “Albert Einstein told me”.

Wilma: “when were YOU in second grade mommy, about 150 years ago?

Another Fred math funny. He tried to explain to Wilma that 1 plus a half plus a quarter plus an eighth etc etc etc has a limit of 2. Wilma said “I thought the sky was the limit!”




Funny Stuff They’ve Said and Done Lately

I’ve collected a few goodies for you all in the past month….. these kids are a riot.

Usually if Wilma ticks off Fred, he screams and tries to bite her.  Lately we’ve been thrilled because he usually doesn’t succeed and usually listens when we ask him to stop and go to another room.  This time recently when Wilma ticked off Fred (she pooped her underpants and refused to comply when I told her to sit on the toilet and get the rest out and have me clean her up etc, and she lay on the floor screaming)….. he didn’t scream.  He didn’t bite.  He simply wrote her a detention slip.  I kid you not.

The same child that mooned Wilma’s therapist today. The same child about whom we’re having a meeting next week because keeping him with his peers isn’t the best option, and moving him to a different grade also isn’t the best option….. educating this child is a challenge—- Fred had a really bad day at school today. Fast forward to our phone conversation with my father in law. Fred told him that he visited the principal today. Dad asked him what that was all about. Fred said, and I quote directly, “Screaming, crying, biting, hitting…and the list goes on!”

Wilma had a blanket around her shoulders and had made up a super hero name (Pants Head). She asked if she could put on her boots and I said no because I didn’t want her tracking the snow/water into the house– the boots needed to stay by the door….. she said “Super Heroes don’t wear just socks!”. On the one hand, she’s correct. On the other hand, how many superheroes wear pink boots with velcro?

We were on the phone with my father in law, who gave us some money towards the twins’ birthday presents. I scripted for Fred “Thank you for your contribution towards my birthday presents” and he repeated… with a very confused look…. “thank you for my constitution….?”

I was drinking a water bottle while driving. Wilma from the backseat said “you can’t drink and drive- it’s illegal!”

“Mommy I have gym today.”. “Great. Have fun.”. “I’ll send you a postcard mommy.”

The fun of having guinea pigs in a house with Wilma. “oooh she’s got lettuce and peppers— I’m going to eat some!” “Wilma please don’t eat out of the guinea pig dish— they pee and poop on their food”. “no worries, I’ll wash it off first!”

#‎Youmightbeanautismparentif your 7 year old SON is singing “my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”


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