Musings from an Orthodox Jewish work at home mom of twins with Autism Spectrum Disorders.

Archive for the ‘Vent’ Category

You Two Are In WAY Over Your Heads….

In the category of “hilariously ridiculously things said to my husband in the Jewish community— thankfully it’s not a LOT of people, just a few— but boy are they noisy”:

My husband got ps’icha 2 weeks in a row (an honor SOMETIMES given to husbands of women about to give birth but that’s not ALWAYS the case). I’m NOT pregnant and nobody thinks I am—- sometimes it’s just an honor and they want to give it to someone active in the synagogue. So this yokel says to my husband “I CERTAINLY hope your wife isn’t pregnant because you two are in WAY over your heads as it is.”

He heard my son scream. ONCE. For a few seconds. And has since called my husband a piece of …. poop.  (the nasty word.) I hear my son scream multiple times a day every day. I think I know why THIS guy was not blessed with the likes of my (very awesome) son.

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He’s Gotta Get It Somewhere

I just can’t BELIEVE the things people say to my husband and how little respect he gets.

Today a student sat on his lap (a middle school boy!) because there weren’t enough chairs in the room.  The student was told it was inappropriate so the student said “hey, the guy only has 2 kids— he’s gotta get it somewhere!”

Sometimes my husband wears colored shirts to school.  Or a colorful tallis during davening.  The rich parents are complaining.  If regular parents complain in a private school, nothing happens.  If the RICH parents complain, people get in trouble— for NOTHING.  Tell me where in halacha it says men can’t wear colored shirts.  Or a nice tallis with color.

And because he wears such things, he’s now being called Lipa.  Lipa!

Lately the difference in middos between different schools has been eating at me and I just need to VENT.

I Know Why Moshiach Isn’t Here Yet

Moshiach isn’t here yet because he doesn’t know whether to wear a kippah srugah, a velvet yarmulke, black and white clothing, colored clothing…. or if she is a woman (I know, I know)— whether to wear stockings with a seam, a shaitel, a hat, a snood, a tichel……   I have a very “WHY can’t we all just GET ALONG” attitude about Judaism and my husband seems to attract the crazies!!!!!  JUST THIS WEEK:

1) Three different parents from a more “right wing” school have spoken to my husband about him working at a more “left wing” school (he had worked in the past at the more “right wing” school).  He’s gotten comments such as these.  “Have you been demoted?”  “Has your student gone off the derech yet?  It’s only a matter of time if he goes to ___ school”.  “Why did your student’s parents switch him to a non frum school?”  (It IS frum, just more left wing than the other school— sheesh— and at any rate, why the #$%#$% is it anyone’s business why a kid goes to a particular school?  Parents know their child best.)

2) One parent kept going on and on so my husband said how great it is to work at a school where the students have the opportunity to make a parnassah.  Well ok my husband should have kept his mouth shut but apparently the other man almost beat up my husband for saying that men should work for a living and not sit in kollel.  He then told him that attitudes like his bring down our neighborhood and he should move to another neighborhood.   Um, right, because EVERY man in this neighborhood should learn in kollel.  Yeah—- I see their wives are all making $100,000 a year— not.  How about supporting yourselves and not living off of government assistance as you decide to have as many children as you want?

Enough already, people.  LIVE AND LET LIVE.  HaShem has too many assistants.

It’s my blog and I’ll vent if I want to.

 

Editing to add a bunch of similar stuff from a previous post— may as well stick all of this crud together in one post to keep track of it all— might write a book someday about how to get along with different groups of Jews and not make yourself sound like a total asshole.

Just the STUPID ridiculous things people have said to us this summer about our kids and/or about my mother in law dying.  Here’s a fun sampling.  PS— the ones that involve Orthodox Jews?  I’ve been asked to stop posting about those on facebook because of Chillul HaShem.  You know what’s Chillul HaShem in my book?  People not being aware that people of all colors, shapes, sizes, and yes, religions can be ASSHOLES.  Sorry for the language but it’s my blog and I’ve got to curse.  Read on.

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1)  When my husband takes one of our kids for a walk in the special needs stroller and walks by a particular house, a bratty kid (unsupervised of course) says….  “WALK MUCH?”   Another group of kids (with the father right there not saying anything because he can’t stand our kids even more than his children) says….  “baby baby…. goo goo gaaa gaaaa”.  Yep, fellow Orthodox Jews.

2)  When my husband asked a man at the zoo to please stop staying at our son (who was screaming “I AM A PSYCHO!”), he got punched.  HARD.  In the stomach.  (my husband, not my son.  But still!)

3)  Right to my husband’s face  “is your son still a freak?”

4)  At synagogue my husband was told he shouldn’t say kaddish for his mother because she didn’t believe in God.    Nobody said anything because the person who said it learns full time (in Orthodox Judaism the men who learn full time and don’t work for a living are held to a very high regard by many.  Me personally?  I’m FINE with men learning full time ***IF*** they can do it without Medicaid, food stamps, WIC, section 8, and all the rest because sucking off the government is not “making it” financially nor is it supporting your wife and family.)  So when someone saves for years in order to enter Kollel I think it’s wonderful.  How often does THAT happen?!?!

5)  I think the extreme idiot award goes to the person calling himself an Orthodox Jew who told my husband his mother died because he shaved off his beard like a goy (deragatory word for non-Jew). (my husband follows Rabbi Moshe Feinstein who wrote about how men living in America can shave their beards for particular reasons while being Orthodox Jews).

6)  During shiva, a tzedakah organization called for money. Hubby said no, he’s sitting shiva. They called back and left a message and an email. The email said that she died SO THAT he’d have a chance to donate to a worthy organization—- guess who is never getting a penny from us!??!?!? what is WITH people?

Just Venting

Many years ago the pediatrician sent us to the psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist sent us to the wrap around center.  the wrap around center was awful so we begged to get into the developmental pediatrician.  She bumped one twin to the psychiatrist (a different one).  She referred both twins to the nutritionist.  Both twins lost weight.  Psychiatrist had Fred change meds and his blood sugar went up and BMI isn’t good.  Developmental ped keeps Wilma on a med that makes her gain weight and her weight increases greatly.  Her BMI is awful.  My husband is insulin dependent diabetic and I have hypoglycemia and had pretty intense insulin dependent gestational diabetes so….. She refers both twins to the endocrinologist.  Endocrinologist is doing A1C’s on both twins, sending both twins back to the nutritionist, and asking us to enroll in a weight loss program that asks us to come in at least weekly.  With 8 hours a week of ABA on one twin, speech therapy on both twins, 2 hours of homework per week per twin, and tutoring/ friendship circle/ other activities, I’m finally stepping off the treadmill and saying NO to the weight loss program.  Each developmental ped appointment takes two hours— this morning’s endocrinologist appointment took two hours—–  getting bloodwork from Fred requires an entire building to take a valium.  This morning’s double meltdown at the endo was because I wasn’t going to be able to get Wilma to school in time for the beginning of recess.  ALL of our appointments are within ONE hospital system (at a bunch of different campuses)——-  something has got to give.  DOCTORS:  STOP ASKING THE SAME QUESTIONS at every appointment.  Spend 15 minutes looking on the computer at the history from multitudes of other doctors— then bring us in, do some poking and prodding, and ask a few questions.  My kids are missing too much school and I’m missing far too many brain cells.

Seriously?

I haven’t blogged since May.  Seriously?

Here’s what you missed.  Wilma KILLED my finger.  Got 3 xrays– it wasn’t broken– “just” a bad sprain.  But that bad sprain hurt worse than many of the broken bones I’ve had in my life (all my broken bones have been on purpose through surgery- never by accident– funny that.)  It’s been about 10 weeks now and I’m starting to have days where I don’t notice the pain at all.  Until I try to bend it.  ugh.

My mother in law died.  She had battled lupus for over a decade valiantly— we all knew this was coming.  Except that we didn’t.  We all thought we’d get another year or two out of her— everytime she was hospitalized we figured she’d make it back to the nursing home and we’d still have more time.  So we were all very shaken up.  She had gotten out of the nursing home after 10 months and had been living at home for 35 days when she was hospitalized for a listeria infection (she was prone to every infection).  She got pneumonia and respiratory distress and we STILL thought we weren’t losing her. But then the internal bleeding started and the doctors stopped all medications except for morphine and told my father in law that the time was coming that week.

Shiva was surreal.  In our home we had a million chairs, an Aron and Torah, tables, siddurim, a candle burning for a week, minyanim three times a day, and the kids were out of sorts to say the least.  Picture me upstairs every morning at 7:00 am saying “shhhhh the men are trying to daven– you CANNOT yell tushy!”.  The community cooked dinners for us for a week (good thing— I had to do all the camp schlepping, all the laundry, all the dishes, EVERYTHING— hubby wasn’t allowed out of the chair for a week except to go to the bathroom).  If you’re unfamiliar with Orthodox Jewish mourning customs I encourage you to google.  It’s fascinating.  Comforting and CRAZY at the same time.  I don’t remember five minutes of calm that week.  Whenever a minyan wasn’t happening, visitors were.

Camp SUCKED this summer and the kids aren’t going back next year.  I mean it this time.  Fred got Hand Foot and Mouth disease on a Friday (no camp on Fridays) so we kept him home from camp that Monday.  Camp nurse calls to send Wilma home.  She’d been exposed.  It’s not the plague, people.  So she said I’d need a doctor’s note to send both kids back the next day.  Rushed them both to the doctor on Monday afternoon after getting her.  Got the note— she didn’t have it and he was no longer contagious.  Sent them both Tuesday.  Got the call again— they didn’t like the look of his rash and he needed to stay home for a week.  So I kept her home on Monday for being exposed, and kept him home for a week for a no longer contagious rash.  That’s the kind of summer we had with this place.  The DUMBEST projects came home after they asked me for an explanation of where they are academically and I gave it to them in writing—- they had them doing preschool level worksheets.  Daily.  And watching movies.  Daily.  There is exactly one AFFORDABLE special needs camp on this side of town and I’m DONE with it.  Next summer– camp Mommy?  ugh.  There was a month between camp and school (that month ends this coming Monday) and I feel like a truck ran me over.  In order to send them to a “typical” camp I’d have to come up with tuition for 2 kids and $$$ for two one on one aides for 2 kids.  In order to send them to another special needs camp I’d have to pay more money or shlepp them to the other side of town.

But what’s on my mind this week is the title of this post…. .SERIOUSLY?  Just the STUPID ridiculous things people have said to us this summer about our kids and/or about my mother in law dying.  Here’s a fun sampling.  PS— the ones that involve Orthodox Jews?  I’ve been asked to stop posting about those on facebook because of Chillul HaShem.  You know what’s Chillul HaShem in my book?  People not being aware that people of all colors, shapes, sizes, and yes, religions can be ASSHOLES.  Sorry for the language but it’s my blog and I’ve got to curse.  Read on.

********************************************************

1)  When my husband takes one of our kids for a walk in the special needs stroller and walks by a particular house, a bratty kid (unsupervised of course) says….  “WALK MUCH?”   Another group of kids (with the father right there not saying anything because he can’t stand our kids even more than his children) says….  “baby baby…. goo goo gaaa gaaaa”.  Yep, fellow Orthodox Jews.

2)  When my husband asked a man at the zoo to please stop staying at our son (who was screaming “I AM A PSYCHO!”), he got punched.  HARD.  In the stomach.  (my husband, not my son.  But still!)

3)  Right to my husband’s face  “is your son still a freak?”

4)  At synagogue my husband was told he shouldn’t say kaddish for his mother because she didn’t believe in God.    Nobody said anything because the person who said it learns full time (in Orthodox Judaism the men who learn full time and don’t work for a living are held to a very high regard by many.  Me personally?  I’m FINE with men learning full time ***IF*** they can do it without Medicaid, food stamps, WIC, section 8, and all the rest because sucking off the government is not “making it” financially nor is it supporting your wife and family.)  So when someone saves for years in order to enter Kollel I think it’s wonderful.  How often does THAT happen?!?!

5)  I think the extreme idiot award goes to the person calling himself an Orthodox Jew who told my husband his mother died because he shaved off his beard like a goy (deragatory word for non-Jew). (my husband follows Rabbi Moshe Feinstein who wrote about how men living in America can shave their beards for particular reasons while being Orthodox Jews).

6)  During shiva, a tzedakah organization called for money. Hubby said no, he’s sitting shiva. They called back and left a message and an email. The email said that she died SO THAT he’d have a chance to donate to a worthy organization—- guess who is never getting a penny from us!??!?!? what is WITH people?

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That’s all for now– just needed to get those tidbits off my chest.  I have PLENTY more to say on various topics so I WILL try to blog more frequently…….

 

 

Can I just hire someone to finish toilet training?

The twins are almost seven. I want to be done with toilet training sometime in this century.

Fred does 100% great AS LONG AS I *tell* him to go pee every hour and a half to two hours. If I keep my mouth shut he happily wets himself and doesn’t even say a word until I notice or until the next time I tell him to go pee. If I ask him why…. guess what his extremely brilliant response is? “I don’t know”. For poop, he poops about once a day in the toilet after the dance. I notice the dance, I TELL him to go poop. At school THEY notice the dance and THEY tell him to go poop. If a day goes by with no dance and no poop, I sit him on the toilet 2-3 times before bed and if nothing happens, take a wild guess what happens AFTER I put him in his nighttime pullup and go downstairs? He is considered toilet trained— so darn it, I want HIM to take responsibility sometime in this century for his own bodily functions— I want him to understand what it feels like to have the need to urinate or defecate and transmit that feeling to his brain and have his brain tell him to ACT upon it. Any ideas, folks? Otherwise, right before he walks down the aisle at his wedding I’ll be TELLING him to go potty.

Wilma has the same pee problem— she needs to be told—- but every now and then she DOES initiate for pee— it’s so wonderful to hear the words “I have to go to the bathroom”. Poop? Well. After 4 xrays, a spinal MRI, manometry, metamucil, ex-lax, probiotics, 3 miralax cleanouts, 1 enema cleanout and at least 2 enemas a week, her PHYSICAL megacolon/ encopresis problem is indeed FIXED. There is no way this child is having a physical problem anymore. However, at almost age 7, she still shows NO signs of understanding when she needs to poop— no dance, no nothing. Every night after dinner I tell her to go poop. Most nights she does. Some nights she tries and doesn’t succeed and I give her an enema and that’s the only way we MOSTLY avoid accidents. But some days, like today, I’m taken back to the days of 10-17 poops per day never in the toilet. Today she had a horrible “accident” (hard not to put it in quotes….. does she REALLY SERIOUSLY have NO idea it’s coming??? she’s NEVER initiated a poop in the toilet EVER!)—- I threw away her underpants, put her in a pullup, took away rewards for half an hour (no ipad time or computer time after homework), and she had another “accident”. I’m the one who gets kicked in the face while changing her (like a baby). I’m the one who gets shoes thrown at my head. But I’m not the one who walks in the door and complains about the smell. Anyone who walks into my house and complains about the smell needs to change an almost seven year old who doesn’t want to be changed. This girl will not be allowed to date until she takes responsibility for getting herself to the bathroom for every pee and every poop. In other words, she’ll be single and living with me forever.

SO sick of toileting. I do not have babies—- I DESERVE to be done with potty training.

Is Summer Over Yet?

In the past few weeks here’s what you’ve missed because I’ve been lazy about blogging:

Wilma had an autistic meltdown on the floor of Chuck E. Cheese, screaming her head off and throwing her shoes at people….. she got kicked out.  “you need to get her out of here— she’s disturbing other patrons”.  thanks.   And no, her brother was NOT reacting calmly—- I response blocked 18 bites– go me.  Hoping hubby doesn’t need the hospital for his leg she kicked—- if he needs a blood blister drained, we don’t have health insurance.

the kids’ new health insurance needed a pre-authorization for Fred’s $800 a month med from which he can’t be dumped—- if we were to take him off, he’d seriously need to be weaned.  Last week they gave us enough pills for free to make it through Tues.  Monday I met face to face with the doc who said she took care of the pre-authorization.  Pharmacy still couldn’t put it through and gave us ONE more pill.  Called the doc again and it got straightened out but I was thinking…..  If Fred has to stop taking the medication that is essentially keeping him out of in-patient… cold turkey…. I’ll be inviting the doctor, a rep from the health insurance, and a rep from the pharmacy to come babysit him while he goes cold turkey off the med while I go vacation in Aruba.  If he does go in-patient, that might bump us up on the waiting list for funding for real behavior therapy- hmmm.  Can I scream yet?

got the car fixed to the tune of $765.80.  knock sensor, oxygen sensor, throttle position sensor…..  For a 1999 car, I guess it’s not too shabby.  still only 46,000 miles on it.  $80 of it was from rodents chewing the wires—- yet again.  Rodents love going underneath our cars.  The good news is that the other car (brand spankin new) will need nothing for quite some time because there are only 800 miles on that car.  The other good news is that we paid $300  and the other $465.80 in 2 weeks so I have a couple of weeks leeway not to have to bust out all that dough at once.

my one bit of alone time between august 2nd and august 29th— a trip by myself with no kids—- to the lawyer downtown.  He convinced me not to sue anyone.  hooray.  the kids’ insurance company switched to one that has a weird clause in it that a few cases have won in terms of parents being able to get ABA for their kids in severe situations.  So I was meeting with a lawyer who convinced me that waiver would be an easier route to travel because winning those cases is not a clearly defined route and has lots of complications.   There are a few different waivers.  One has a 10 year waiting list…. but another newer waiver, “SELF”, MIGHT be quicker.  So he gave me the number of a person to call who might know how quick.  Meanwhile we’re already on the SELF list.  If SELF rejects us or takes ten years, then we might be able to sue the insurance company.  Woo friggin hoo.   He was surprised we weren’t suing the district but he agreed that we wouldn’t be able to get it through them anyway, and he said I’m one of the few parents he’s met with who is basically HAPPY with the public school district (aside from the lack of behavioral therapy!).  He said we can get the SELF waiver more quickly if there’s an emergency.

Anyhoo, center for autism demands we do ABA.  District says we don’t need it.  Center for Autism sends us to a lawyer.  Lawyer has us call the board of developmental disabilities.  Board of DD is probably going to want me to sue the district.  Excuse me, I’m covered in red tape.

We got a hamster.  Wilma adores him, Fred couldn’t care less.

My Wii broke and is unsalvageable so I might just have to join a gym— otherwise my only workout option is a realllly old and squeaky elliptical machine in the basement.

I spent 20 hours in the past 2 weeks fixing my ipad.

ok, you’re all caught up.  School starts August 29th.  Till then, I’m in survival mode……  camp is long over.

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